Stanford Twenty20: Tainting the English brand
Sir Allen Stanford: Billionaire benficiary or bumbling buffoon?
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Tuesday, 04, Nov 2008 01:34
Imagine the scene: You are a senior member of a well known English institution based in the south, with a well-known history for comedy blunders.
You come in to find an answerphone message has been left by an individual who thinks of himself as a bit of a ladies' man. The content of the call is horrific:
"Hey, guess what? I've had my wicked way with your progeny I have, oh yes. Came for everything I've got. Left empty handed though."
You are shocked at the crudeness of this jibe. But it gets worse.
"Wahey, we did it with the lights on, but it might as well have been in the dark, because they weren't very good lights."
You feel disgusted. A chill surges through you. This is foul and depraved and doesn't stop there.
"Oh yes, I showed what I was about. I had three of those babes at once. One of them was bouncing on my knee - hey, so what if she was pregnant? But that's OK, it's what we do round here you know. Oh and guess what? We got it all on camera."
All colour drains from your face. This is vile. This is appalling. Worse still, the whole thing has been broadcast for public consumption.
You remind yourself that your progeny was at least a willing participant in all this. But then comes the final blow.
"And you know what? They'll be back for it four more times, because you all can't get enough of what I've got!"
The ultimate horror dawns. You're not the innocent victim of a lewd call from Russell Brand here: This is all your own fault.
There will be no resignations or suspensions here, for your caller is the one who owns the whole show. He has what you want and you, in your role at the ECB, pimped English cricket to get it. So much for your 20-20 vision.
What do you do? Your beloved one makes it clear to the press that your caller is not so wonderful as he thinks he is. Getting it over and done with is all that matters.
But you've signed up for more of the same. The humiliation is all yours, on the field and off.
You know that cricket has bigger issues to worry about just now than dodgy phone messages. After all, Shane Warne's been doing that for years.
But Sir Allen Stanford's grubby Super Series is a disaster, not just for the ten-wicket pasting England got. In choosing this route to deal with concerns about players joining the IPL, you allowed the sport itself and the particular format it created to be dragged into the gutter, all because of one man whose wealth dwarfs even that of Jonathan Ross.
Now England's top players will probably be off to the IPL anyway to take up lucrative offers you hoped they would turn down, all with the blessing of your crude caller.
With all the doubts over the Sri Lanka tour next May as well, calamity awaits and your strategy to deal with it lies in tatters.
Yes, it would be no fun being the person on the end of all that.
Through its contempt for cricket's finest traditions - and for basic good taste - the Stanford Super Series has shown exactly why money isn't everything in sport.
With so many people having to make do with less of it just now, perhaps it's worth the ECB taking that point onboard and avoiding a repeat of this farce next year. After all, its not as if it's the people at the top of English cricket who are among those that may lose their jobs soon.
Then again, perhaps somebody should. Another unpleasant phone call may be warranted.
Charles Britten