Music Review

02 December 2008 02:31 BST

Madonna: Hard Candy

Warner Brothers Records, out April 28th.

In a nutshell…

A disappointing and stale effort.

What's it all about?

Madonna is back with 12 songs full of thinly-veiled sexual references and dancefloor-focused pop. Teaming up with Pharrell Williams, Timbaland and Justin Timberlake among others, this is a classic case of Madonna's desire to be hip and modern backfiring to create what is unfortunately a really boring record.

Describing the title as "a juxtaposition of tough and sweetness", Madonna said it is "kind of like I'm gonna kick your ass but it's going to make you feel good. And of course, I love candy". Riiiiiiight...

The singer's constant reinvention sees her don patent leather boots and a butt-kicking attitude this time around for an album full of clicking beats and hip-hop-inspired pop. Two tracks feature Timberlake's vocals, while one includes an appearance from man of the moment Kanye West. The rest are produced by Timbaland or Pharrell.

Visually, the album's artwork includes Madonna dressed in big wrestling belts, leotards and tons of jewellery probably nicked from Mr T. She's making a statement as always - but about what?

Who's it by

The world may think they know who Madonna is - but with the star nearing 50 and regularly unveiling projects based on film directing/saving Malawian children/being really good at yoga/having a pseudo-English accent, it's difficult to know who she really is underneath all those different disguises.

As an example...

"Come on into my store I've got candy galore/Don't pretend you're not hungry I've seen it before/I got Turkish Delight baby and so much more." - Candy Shop

... I'm no genius but I have a sneaking feeling she's talking about sex. Controversial!

Likelihood of a trip to the Grammys

It's possible. Madonna's creativity has previously known no bounds, and while there are many bad tastes on Hard Candy, the couple that are good are really, really good.

What the others say

"The songwriting team of American chart royalty helps Madonna revisit her roots as an urban-disco queen... the songs are solid, but slightly anonymous, as though they could be stripped down and peddled to other singers." - Caryn Ganz, Rolling Stone, 4/5

"Pretty mediocre... for once the Queen of Pop is at the back of the pack rather than leading it. This is an album Madge should have made five years ago, when producers Pharrell and Timbaland were relative unknowns." - NME, 5/10

So is it any good?

Madonna's constant quest to push people's buttons and produce dancefloor-worthy tracks continues apace with Hard Candy, which overall is one for true fans only. As someone who first saw her in concert at age seven, I really, really wanted to like this album. The woman's a legend for goodness sake - and you can't ignore the fact she's produced classic tracks such as Into the Groove and Vogue.

But Hard Candy? It's just so... desperate. You can see how she has latched on to current favourites such as Timberlake and used them to make her look "cool" - but ultimately ten out of the 12 tracks have boring melodies, soulless lyrics and absolutely nothing that makes you want to revisit them after the first listen. Even the artwork of the album is not as original as it thinks it is. Fans will recognise the scrunched-plastic effect behind the images as one already used on her 1998 Ray of Light album, while - although she still has a hot bod and a pretty-if-terrifying face - I think it might be time for Madonna to hang up those semi-bondage-style thigh-high lace-up boots.

Opening tune Candy Shop (I'm pretty sure this was the name of a 50 Cent song a few years ago, which baffles me) is possibly one of Pharrell Williams' worst efforts in recent times. Although the beat and bass line are inviting, the tacky synthesisers try to be a funky 80s pastiche but are actually just annoying. The lyrics include numerous sweets/sugar = sex allegories, which is fine if not a bit gross seeing as she's 50 this year. I'm not saying older people can't get busy, but come on, it's like imagining your parents doing it.

Give It 2 Me, Heartbeat, Devil Wouldn't Recognise You, Incredible and Dance2Night are similarly repetitive and un-addictive. There's no sugary treat inside these tracks to keep you coming back but instead a semi-original melody and occasional twitters from Timbaland or falsetto punctuation from Pharrell.

Beat Goes On, however, is what saves Hard Candy from being a truly bad apple. Alongside first single 4 Minutes, it's a fine slice of thumping rhythm and fun wrapped up in a shiny Kanye West guest appearance. Beat Goes On is spot on and reminiscent of Madonna's earlier efforts that harked back to her 1980s New York Danceteria days (fans might think of 1992's Deeper and Deeper when they hear this track). It may be shallow - lyrics include "Get down/Beep beep/Gotta get up off of your seat" - but it definitely makes you want to dance.

So should you buy it? If you love Madonna no matter what and are prepared to forgive her so soon after the disaster that was American Life, then go for it. But if it's another Confessions on a Dancefloor you're looking for, you won't find it with Hard Candy. My advice is to revisit her very first two albums - Madonna and Like a Virgin - to remember how good she was at this type of thing back in the day.

5/10

Isabel Plumbly