The Condemned
Monday, 24 Mar 2008 18:41
Bang bang: Steve Austin in The Condemned
Directed by Scott Viper, out March 24th on DVD, starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vinnie Jones, running timr 109 minutes .
In a nutshell…
Running Man v Battle Royale v Series 7: The Contenders
What's it all about?
Ten criminals condemned to death are transported to an island where they must fight it out for the internet audience until just one survives. If there is no survivor in 30 hours they all explode. To help things along the producers drop in a few weapons. Could there be a moral ending? Will the disapproving looks from the female production assistant come to anything, or will she be machine gunned to death? Will the FBI save the day? Will Austin get back to his hometown and get his single-parent girl?
Who's in it?
Stone Cold Steve Austin is actually alright. Stone cold and convincing as the super killer with a dark past and no interest in fighting except for self-defence. Vinnie Jones brings new levels of wooden (perhaps he should have been a mute) to the point you want him to be killed so he isn't in the film. Elsewhere there are a few shockingly bad actors and some fantastic action stars.
As an example…
"It's a very simple game. Kill or die."
Austin: "You stay down, we don't have a problem." [Big dude gets up] "We have a big f*****g problem"
Likelihood of a trip to the Oscars?
Best ridiculous violence.
What the others say
"The Condemned isn't post-modern junk, smirky junk, faux junk or clever junk. It's pure junk, with a certain integrity to it." - San Francisco Chronicle
"[A] sickeningly violent and inane movie." - New York Post
So is it any good?
As a film its simple: Running Man v Battle Royale v Series 7: The Contenders. Convicted criminals (Running Man) are sent to an island to kill one other (Battle Royale) on TV (Series 7, Running Man).
It's just an action film, a WWE production no less, but a good one. In what was once common parlance, it does exactly what says on the tin. But one particular highlight is the switch from film 'fun' violence to 'quite shocking slaughter' violence, which is surprisingly shocking and effective, and cool.
The moralising although necessary is a little annoying. A TV host looking at the audience and asking "Is it us who are condemned" is one of the cringiest moments. The best moral message comes from Vinnie Jones's machine gun (seriously).
But on the whole it is fun. Austin gets to remain the good guy, as the others are so evil, and he gets to not enjoy taking revenge. You get really good fighting, running through jungles, explosions, blood, and some crap acting.
The perfect action film, except for the worst ending of any film ever.
Like a packet of crisps - enjoyable but hardly a moment in your life to put in your memoirs.
9/10
Stone Cold Daniel Barnes
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