In Review

09 January 2009 12:51 BST

Paris Hilton: Life on the Edge - The Biography by Chas Newkey-Burden

Published by John Blake Publishing, out now, 245 pages, £9.99..

In a nutshell…

Crass, cloying, melodramatic, hilarious, compulsive.

What it's all about

This is the riches-to-more-riches tale of the world's most famous heiress and socialite. Hilton, Newkey-Burden at one point observes, is so famous that she has eclipsed the city with whom she shares a name, making the surname from which her fame derives - for reference purposes at least - redundant.

In Paris Hilton: Life on the Edge, Newkey-Burden depicts Paris as an icon of the modern age, a woman born with everything who decided to strive for even more. In sixteen chapters, beginning with A Star is Born and concluding with a pun of which the Sun would be proud, Court in the Act, the tale of Paris' life so far unfolds in large print. There are pictures and, touchingly, the first page of each chapter is decorated with stars.

Who's it by

Chas Newkey-Burden is a 34-year-old sports journalist, whose work has appeared in the Mail on Sunday and the Guardian. In addition to The Official Arsenal Yearbook he has written a number of non-sporting tomes, including The Reduced History of Britain, Great Email Disasters and A Powerpoint History of the World. A former contributing editor of lads' mag Loaded, his celebrity pedigree includes an appearance on Sky One's Celebrities on Heat and interviews with the likes of David Beckham, Rachel Stevens and McFly.

As an example

"For someone who claims to be so edgy, it was surprising that Banksy turned on Paris…Perhaps the most telling aspects of the protest were the inclusion of the doctored topless image - sexual frustration or jealousy on Banksy’s part? - and his mocking song title, What Have I Done? Well, Banksy, what she had done was start several successful companies, release an album, write a bestselling book, and star on a successful reality TV series and in a series of films. Next to all that, what have you done?" (page 179)

Likelihood of becoming a Hollywood Blockbuster

One day, inevitably, Paris' life will be retold for the big screen. I hope to die before then. God help us all. Please.

What the others say

"Paris Hilton is a fabulous character to write about" - Jackie Collins (Well c'mon - who were you expecting? Martin Amis?)

So is it any good?

When I began reading this book, I hoped that Newkey-Burden had his tongue firmly lodged in his cheek. No one could be so shamelessly and sustainedly obsequious, I told myself. He had to be having a laugh, right?

Wrong. Spectacularly wrong. With mounting fascination and horror, I realised that this author wouldn't recognise irony if it bit him in the nether regions. Newkey-Burden did not set out to write a veritable account of Ms Hilton's colourful life. He aimed to write an apologia for a woman he clearly believes has been viciously maligned by the media she courts.

This book is factual to the extent that it contains direct quotation from the blonde bombshell herself, even if none of it is dated or credited.

Beyond this it is pure fantasy.

For every citation which suggests Paris is as vapid, bitchy and calculating as her harshest critics would have us believe, we have a comment from Newkey-Burden testifying to her inspirational resilience and general perfection of being. His observations rarely follow from, and sometimes directly contradict, what she has said. There is no analysis, just adulation. Newkey-Burden is Jewish, but reading this book, one cannot help but feel he is of the Church of Paris.

The prose is clunky, repetitive and unchallenging. The subject herself seems thoroughly contemptible on the basis of what she says, but the paucity of insight the narrative offers means we should really reserve our judgment. After nearly 250 pages, she remains as much of an enigma as ever.

And yet this is a gripping read. Hilton, presumably - but not necessarily - unintentionally, is an absolute hoot. Not so much because of her stupidity, which the author, like the lady herself, insists is an act, but because of her astonishing lack of self-awareness and total disinterest in anything but herself.

Some of her comments are sheer comedy gold. And Newkey-Burden has some gems of his own. Describing Paris' childhood on page 14, he relates how she "even once" built a "pretend home" in her bedroom as though it were a moment of epiphany and not a routine activity for millions of youngsters. On page 41, he calls Donald Trump’s son a "saucy sod" for daring to admire his Paris. And on page 147 he refers to the lady's swapping of one international tennis player for another as a case of "more balls please".

An extended version of Hello! magazine minus the gallery of photographs, Life on the Edge is a guilty - but genuine - pleasure.

6/10

Meghan Graham