In Review

22 November 2008 00:35 BST

Coward on the Beach by James Delingpole

Published by Bloomsbury, out August 20th, 336 pages, £12.99.

In a nutshell…

Flashman! Blighty, Germans, girls, war

What's it all about?

You shuffle your feet from left to right, shaking the one with the wet boot occasionally, all the while trying to look cocksure and confident in front of the other men in the boat. One fellow, a youngster who has never seen any kind of action before is coughing up bile into the middle of the boat, your friend – the chap who has looked out for you from day one – is looking distinctly worried.

The skyline is black from smoke, a collection of gunpowder odour and vehicle emissions. Although the guns were supposed to have been silenced by a navy bombardment, they are in fact in full swing, snarling away and tearing apart the boats in front of you. Your grimace is spotted by a friend who remarks: "Come on mate, give me the kind of smile your wife does when I'm on leave." And then a whiz can be heard in the foreground and you find yourself flying in the air towards the water, ear drums perforated and your head, literally, all at sea. You're now in Coward on the Beach, a new novel that brilliantly brings together the brutal nature of the second world war with the kind of humour you'd associate with Blackadder.

Who's it by?

James Delingpole has had the genius idea of reinventing the Flashman series through the concept of tapes left behind by Dock Coward, a war veteran with more than a few stories.

He previously wrote the novels Fin and Thinly Disguised Autobiography and also works regularly for the Times, the Sunday Times and the Daily Telegraph as well as being the TV critic for the Spectator.

Coward on the Beach is the first of ten novels in the series, all set to be heavily researched thanks in part to Delingpole's War Life column for the Spectator where he interviewed dozens of second world war veterans.

Dick Coward is therefore the inspired amalgamation of dozens of guys, all of whom did their bit and more on the beaches of Normandy, the forests of Saxony and the dunes of north Africa.

As an example

"'Sir, you may be a material witness to one or more courts martial arising from events this evening. Would you be happier if I radioed the nearest British military police unit instead?' Grudgingly, I give the man my details.
'And the gentleman with the bandages?'
'Oh leave him alone. He's been asleep most of the evening.'
'Sir, I need a name.'
'Put down "Ginger"'
'Sir, I'm going to need more than that'
'Ginger,' I say, prodding his arm gently at first, then a bit more firmly. 'Ginger, old chap. Very sorry to bother you.'
But Ginger, propped against the wall, benign half smile on his lips, resolutely refuses to stir.
'Sir,' says the GI. 'I am sorry to say that your friend is not just asleep.'

-Coward is shocked to learn his friend propping up the bar is actually going to be propping up the earth soon enough.

"He half turns towards me, looking down, aghast, as if scarcely able to conceive that something so dreadful could possibly be happening to him and it's at this moment that I recognise him as Dent.

"His screams of agony. Such screams. He comes staggering down the hill towards me, his gaping midriff smoking like a bonfire.

"'Shoot me,' he begs. 'Shoot me.'"

A comrade of Cowards suffers from the effects of a white phosphorous grenade burning into his stomach..

Likelihood of becoming a Hollywood blockbuster

One of the fun things about Coward on the Beach is the English nature of the book, and wouldn't we all love to see another fantastic war movie actually about British troops winning the day, rather than our perfectly able US counterparts?

Would Hollywood consider making a big budget movie about an English aristocrat fighting the Jerrys? Would it hell.

What the others say

"James Delingpole has come up with the brilliant idea of updating the Flashman story to the second world war, and tells it with exuberance and perception." – Andrew Roberts.

So is it any good?

Coward on the Beach is a strikingly enjoyable novel, blending the images we've grown accustomed to from primary school history and The World At War with the darkness of war poetry and the comedy of a Briton's stiff upper lip. Delingpole's writing style is so casual and enjoyable to interact with that the stark realisation that this is actually a war novel hits you more than ever. It's the same effect as the sobering 'over the top' part of Blackadder Goes Forth. It's all fun and games, but these lads are going over the top to certain death, and there's no fun in that.

Principally of course Coward on the Beach moves on from Flashman and Blackadder to the second world war and the fight against Nazi Germany. A number of 'party SS' people are fittingly horrible, liable to tear your crown jewels off for smirking at a Hitler testicle joke. But at the same time the average Germans are also well represented, including the harsh treatment they also received at the hands of some Allied troops.

The grimness of war is here for all to see, the landing craft being blown to pieces; the young father crying at the back too afraid to move on to the beach; and the stirring officer who just wants a cup of tea despite his legs being blown off from just above the knee.

Dick Coward, the principle character revealing his stories, is a cross between James Bond, Flashman and Edmund Blackadder. As was the case with Flashman, clever historical footnotes at the end reveal deviances in the story, or facts that could not be verified, adding to the mystery and adventure of the character.

As mentioned before, Coward on the Beach is the first of ten novels and starts towards the end of Coward's journey. The next books will fill in the gaps and follow-up on some of the stories hinted at in this book, with travels and adventures in Greece, mainland Europe and other war zones to come. Even a possible post-Normandy book in the shape of Operation Market Garden, featured in Steven Spielberg's Band of Brothers.

Real historical figures fleetingly appear, with General Bernard Law 'Monty' Montgomery turning up at the end – his speech is hilarious: "Contwadicting a senior officer. Doesn't sound vewy wespectful to me."

Some encounters are best kept unmentioned as they make this book what it is; a remarkable invention, wonderfully inspired by the Flashman series and as entertaining as it is respectful. Coward on the Beach could and should be the next big Bloomsbury franchise, rather than that wizard nonsense.

10/10

Karl Pike

Your comments:

"OK so I'm prejudiced, I'm his father, but as his most regular critic, I feel you've exactly summed up what James is trying to achieve. I've got views on the cover and the sex scenes (they could have been a bit more romantic!). Elsewhere the swearing and the focus on the number of "skivers" in the ranks has been criticised. However I don't think too many men said "Damn & Blast" in the heat of battle, and not everyone was a hero." - Malcom Delingpole

"Couldn't put it down. Wonderfully descriptive battle sequences makes you feel part of the action. Humorous, shocking and splendidly British. Eat your heart out Yanks." - Roger Morphett

"This is my novel of the year thus far and I love the cover which looks like something from a boy's own story. Quite excellent." - Gary Dobbs